“Home sweet home. No place like home. Take me home, country roads. Home is where the heart is. But my heart is here. So I must be home. Clare sighs, turns her head and is quiet. Hi honey, I’m home. I’m home.”—
1. Tell him that, because JK Rowling created him, he is muggle-born. 2. Ask him whether his Dark Mark is a permanent tattoo or one of those stickers. 3. Sing the “Avada Kedavra song” every time he raises his wand 4. Ask him whether he bought you any souvenirs while he was abroad hunting for Gregorovitch. 5. Recommend Visine for his eyes. 6. Send him a valentine and write “Love from Bellatrix”. 7. Ask him if he likes LOLcats . 8. Ask him if he’s related to Nagini. 9. Whenever he wonders what he should make into his next Horcrux, sing “I LOVE TRASH” from Sesame Street, trying to sound like Steven Tyler. 10. Ask him which fan drawing of him he likes most. 11. Get him drunk and video-tape it. 12. Run up to him clutching at your hair and say, “OMG, I KILLED HARRY POTTER!” 13. Ask him if he’s been hit by the credit crunch and offer him to work at your office. 14. Take him to watch “The 40 year old virgin”. 15. After that, tell him that it’s about time he got a girlfriend and that Bellatrix would be more than willing to date. 16. Hum “like a virgin” whenever he’s around. 17. Tell him you understand and you won’t tell Rodolphus Lestrange about their affair. 18. Whenever he says sarcastically, “the boy who lived”, reply, “Oh, my lord, conquered by none…but a baby”. 19. Ask him if the reason he doesn’t date is because he’s gay. 20. When he looks outraged, say, “Hey, Dumbledore was gay!” 21. Then, proceed to inform him that Viktor Krum is still single. 22. Give him an official visit in a suit & tie and tell him you regret that his Horcruxes were accidentally and irretrievably recycled to be made into beer cans, women’s jewellery, cutlery and writing-paper, and that you will try to make up for the inconvenience by sending a free year’s supply of Heineken beer (saying, “It’s just about the best beer in the world, you know” in an advertising sort of voice). Also tell him he should be proud his Horcruxes helped save the environment. 23. Whenever he comes into a room, sing “The doom song” from Invader Zim. 24. Advise him on the best plastic surgery clinics. 25. Ask him how many times he got dumped. 26. Tell him he would fit for the role of one of Aro from Twilight. 27. Ask him if he sparkles in the sun. 28. Tell him that flying has long since become an outdated form of transport and tell him that driving lessons are very easy to do. 29. Make him get into a black Mercedes and hum the theme from “Mission Impossible.” 30. After Death Eater meetings, shout out, “Hey, what about the canapés and the cocktails?” 31. Tell him Tom Riddle sounds more Macho than Voldemort. 32. Tell him Dumbledore looks way more snazzy than he. 33. Ask him if he, the Dark Lord, is in fact Lord of the Dance Michael Flatly undercover and tell him to tap dance. 34. Ask him if he likes ginger hair and hum “Valerie” by Amy Winehouse. 35. Tell him to audition for X factor. 36. When he is owned by Simon Cowell, say, “why, he’s harsh, looks aren’t everything…” 37. Ask him if he’s so irritable because of indigestion. 38. Ask him to join the free hugs campaign. 39. Say “LAWL” every time he threatens to kill you. 40. Show him the sauciest drawings by Harry/Voldemort shippers. 41. …and every time he talks about Harry, sing “Harry & Voldy, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G, first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in his little carriage.” 42. When he talks about ruling over the muggles, produce a huge amount of paperwork, and say, “what, did you think taking on the muggle world is that easy? The muggle world is ruled by bureaucracy which cannot be fought by anything, let alone spells.” 43. Make him watch Salad Fingers and say, “that’s you in a few years time.” 44. Whenever he doesn’t respond to death eaters pressing their dark marks, tell everyone, “It’s because he’s watching spongebob squarepants.” 45. Tell him, “Even muggles are more afraid of saying the word ‘wizard’ than ‘Voldemort’. You’re pathetic.” 46. Whenever he makes a mistake, stand up, put on a very clever, serious face, raise a finger, and say “Constant Vigilance”. 47. Tell him you’ll be there for him no matter what. 48. Give him a detailed lecture on Newton’s laws of motion and tell him the reason he hasn’t killed Harry Potter yet is because he doesn’t know his physics. 49. Give him a pink, flowery floaty dress and tell him it’s in fashion. 50. Dress up like him on Halloween. 51. Wear extremely sexy clothes to Death Eater meetings and wink at him throughout. 52. Turn up at his place dressed like a doctor, with a grim expression and inform him that Harry Potter’s blood group is not the same as his and thus he shall soon die because he used it to come back. 53. Take him to a shrink. 54. Ask him which web browser he prefers: Firefox, Internet Explorer, Safari, Opera, or Google Chrome. When he looks confused, shout “HAHA, I HAVE KNOWLEDGE THAT YOU DO NOT! I HAVE POWERS THAT YOU DO NOT! I SHALL DEFEAT YOU WITH MY AWESOME INTERNET SKILLZ!” 55. Whenever he does something, shout, “HEY, YOU DIDN’T DO THAT IN THE BOOK!” 56. Sing “Voldy, Moldy, Pudding & Pie, kissed the girls and made them cry”. 57. Take him to “blind date”. 58. Ask him innocently whether he was abroad hunting Crumple-horned Snorkacks. 59. Give him a love potion for Christmas. 60. Write a valentine’s card to yourself and sign, “love Voldy”; then proceed to hug him, and wave the valentine in his face, thanking him, and singing “everybody loves somebody”. 61. proceed to send valentines with “love Voldy” on them to every death eater, male or female. 62. Tell him not to invade Russia since it brought Napoleon and Hitler down. 63. Tell him to blow his nose. 64. Buy him an eel, and say it’s much more practical to carry around than that huge Godzilla Nagini. 65. Slip him a mobile phone and set the ringtone to “A Cauldron full of hot, strong love” by Celestina Warbeck, and call him in the middle of a death eater meeting so that everyone hears it. 66. Keep hinting that you know something he doesn’t. 67. Start writing a book, “the life and love of Tommy M Riddle”, and when he threatens to kill you, say, “hey, it was Rita Skeeter’s idea initially anyway!” 68. Buy him books & magazines such as “20 fail-safe ways to charm witches”, “Playboy”, and magazine clippings with advice on love life. 69. Buy him a night-light and a book of children’s stories, and explain it by saying “you look unhealthy, you must be loosing sleep…” 70. Whenever he muses, “so, how shall we bring the ministry down?”, shout out, “NINJA SKILLZ”. 71. Buy him a t-shirt featuring U-No-Poo. 72. Tell him that “Voldemort” sounds cheesy and say that “Tom Marvolo Riddle” could also translate to Doom Dave LOL-r-Tim which sounds much more modern and up to date with trends. If you have attempted #7 and survived, remind him of the LOLcats here. 73. Invest in a manual of Dumbledore quotes and read from it to him all day. 74. Tell him Harry Potter is cute. Say things like, “oh, his black hair is so sexy,” and “oh, did you see Equus?” and then say things like “I wonder if he knows I exist…”, and ALWAYS add, “ohh, don’t you think he’s gorgeous?” 75. Whenever he tries to kill you, tell him you’re his unintentional Horcrux, and add saucy things like, “ahh, I’ll be your horcrux, baby” and wink. 76. Tell him he should get hair extensions to get hot hair like Harry Potter in GOF. 77. Tell him Jack Sparrow is awesome and hum the “Pirates of the Caribbean” theme whenever he comes into a room. 78. Then proceed to tell him that Bellatrix is not completely ‘his’ since she had an affair with Edward Scissorhands and Henry VII, too, for that matter, both of whom were MUGGLES OMG! 79. Ask him what the lowest price is for the awesome silver hand he gave Wormtail. 80. Give him a bottle of “tropical tanning lotion” for his birthday. 81. Ask him if he wants to play Russian Roulette 82. Persuade him to do so, and make sure he dies. MWAHAHAHAH.